I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
