I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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