ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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