I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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