I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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