There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
