just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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