Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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