The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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