I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can't trust your balls anymore.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
