When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
