She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
