Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize