there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
