Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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