I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
