My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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