I hate all girls vehemently.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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