either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize