guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
