I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
