So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
