you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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