woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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