I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
