am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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