I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
