I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
