I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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