11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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