Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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