The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
