He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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