ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
