we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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