i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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