life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
