As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
