it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize