i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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