Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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