I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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