I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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