yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My legs feel like baby dolphins
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
