He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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