she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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