I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
