End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
