it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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