Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
