Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
