My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize