I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
