Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
