New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
