I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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