They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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