it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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