went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
