i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
