He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
