explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize