Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
