I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
